Tag Archives: coffee

Starschmucks Folly: VIA, the Instant New Coke

Currently Featured on the Huffington Post

You could put lipstick on a pig, but…

So it seems that Starbucks, the U.S. brewing behemoth, has decided to hawk an upscale version of Folger’s Crystals (currently gathering dust at the back of your out-of-touch nattering Nana’s pantry), but don’t you dare display your displeasure whilst within the immediate vicinity of one of their brainwashed baristas, or be prepared for a barrage of inane talking points and propaganda rivaling Liz Cheney’s blind backing of enhanced interrogation techniques. I’m not sure what remedial reprogramming retreat these poor part-timers were forced to attend, but it was apparently led by that murderous maenad Maryanne from True Blood or a direct descendent of Jim Jones ’cause there is zero room for dissension. Resistance is futile. You simply must drink the Kool-Aid… or neo-Sanka swill.

Is it somehow surprising that the franchise’s base of upscale liberal lefty latte-guzzling pseudo-intellects, who pride ourselves on being caffeination connoisseurs, might be a mite perturbed over the prospect of having a white-trash product pimped to us while trying to get our five o’clock fix and recharge our iPhones? We aren’t brewing up a batch of crystal meth in the bathroom units of our double-wides, looking for a quick-fix beverage to wash down our derelict dinner of Cheez-Whiz and Ritz Crackers for Cletis’s sake! Give it a rest; we don’t want to take your stupid taste test! We don’t care if this isn’t our grandfather’s instant coffee, it reminds us of our grandfather (who was last spotted hollering about health care at a town hall meeting due to a combination of dementia and Glenn Beck).

We have already agreed to pay three dollars for a cup of coffee. You’ve won. Don’t insult our intelligence by trying to get us to pledge allegiance to an inferior un-brewed commercialized commodity conceived by some snotty young marketing exec fresh out of grad school with plans for cutting losses by diversifying your elitist appeal to the general populace. Talk about watering down your “brand”. It was bad enough when you started in with that awful homogenized Pike’s Peak to compete with the Dunkin’ Donut’s demographic and their pansy palates. And let’s not forget those putrid pre-manufactured breakfast sandwiches (re-heated in those creepy gray cancer-causing ovens) prominently featured in your fly-ridden refrigerated display cases–yummers!

But for the coup de grace, it’s hard to believe your insolent insistence upon undermining the entire foundation of your existence: freshly ground, percolated C. Arabica that we pay a premium for you to prepare. Something authentic to be ingested and savored as we make our way through another impersonal, cyber-connected, pre-fabricated day. The churning in our stomachs, the burning in our bowels, the bing! bing! bing! of when it finally kicks in and everything is ok in the universe again. Gradual descent into despair transforms into rocketing ascent into possibility, hope and “what if?” Why would you want to dilute that?


F*ck You Green Tea!!!



I love coffee. Strong. Black. Little sugar. The caffeinated confidence and mind racing illumination it stimulates as I slowly sip it, most likely in a Starbucks across from another Starbucks closest to my final destination. I love the churning of my stomach and the burning in my bowels. The Bing! Bing! Bing! of when it finally kicks in and everything is ok in the universe again. Gradual descent into despair transforms into rocketing ascent into possibility, hope and what if.

PLEASE STOP TELLING ME TO DRINK GREEN TEA. I don’t care what the benefits are. Stop blathering about antioxidants or the neutralization of free radicals. Will it get me high, cleanse my colon, make my mind race and my soul soar? Stop telling me about its tantalizing aroma and smooth flavor. Fag! I want the taste of scorched earth and burnt dirt. So my face winces, stomach clenches and hand clasps the table just to get it d-down. Equivalent to one third of the caffeine in a cup of coffee. Fuck you! This isn’t a children’s game were playing here you hippy dippy organic freak. Creativity is at stake. Ideas, concepts, hypotheses, rationalizations, solutions, direct inspiration from higher divine 
meta-consciousness…possible self-actualization and transcendence…Stop narrowing the gateway! 

And remember green tea comes from China. Communist China!! You just might want to ask yourself: Are you with us or against us? They already own most of our debt. Don’t let those Commie red bastards dictate our addictions…again!!! Remember opium. Sure it seemed so wondrous and delightful, at first, but the next thing you knew you were sucking dick in an alleyway in a straw hat and flip-flops. Coffee on the other hand comes from Africa, the birthplace of civilization. Coincidence? I think not. While anthropologists credit our distinctive cerebral cortex, and prehensile thumb to the evolution and ultimate domination of mankind, I believe they are leaving out one vital ingredient. Mainly C. arabica of the genus Coffea. Thats right, somewhere on the plains of the Serengeti an Australopithicus afarensis was munching on a bean we all love and know and BAM! Revelation! Stone tools! The wheel! Cave paintings! Culture! Civilization!