Tag Archives: Christian Coalition

Drinking Good for Depression? The Possible Repeal of Religious Repression


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There’s good news for the unemployed, hard-drinking, proletarian populace who have desperately lacked the opportunity to buy an ice-cold brew on Sunday. It looks like Blue Laws might be repealed for our very own Depression in a most unholy stimulus plan. Could this be the shot-in-the-mouth that millions of not-so-God-fearing-Americans need to get the back on their feet… stumbling and weaving to refill their snifters with some discounted muscatel from the local five and dime or bodega?

Following in the footsteps of Franklin Roosevelt, who chose to prohibit Prohibition and reintroduce spirits to, well, raise spirits in our country’s first foray into economic despair, many states are now advocating an end to what many boozers and businessmen alike deem antiquated puritanical pap. The Christian Right is not amused.

These so-called “Blue Laws,” currently enforced throughout many states in the ole Red, White and Blue, were initially created to impose certain rigid religious standards on the heathen masses. Most specifically that Sunday is the Lord’s Day of Rest and that thou shalt not swill a Makers Mark on the rocks or goeth shopping on such an exalted occasion. For the Lord apparently hateth shopping. It really geteth his goat. Annoying him to no end while he is trying to get some well deserved shuteye after a long week of ignoring the prayers of those suffering in dire poverty and desperation, and churning out Category 5 Hurricanes to smite the Gays. I mean, it’s not all conjuring up Adams out of dust in his own image, naughty no-no apple trees and satanic talkie snakes anymore, folks! He’s brutally busy. So no shopping on Sundays, please.

Especially for automobiles. That’s right, most fortunate for our bustling economy, thirteen states still adhere to the bizarre modern embellishment of forbidding the sale of cars on the Sabbath, much to the dismay of the Big 3. I am not referring, of course, to the Holy Trinity (the Father, the Son and–BOO!–the Holy Ghost) but the most unholy triumvirate of malfeasance (GM, Chrysler and Ford–Oh my!), you know, the ones with the big fancy corporate fly-flys.

Oddly enough the actual ritual of loafing about on the seventh day dates back to fourth century when Constantine (in his sun-worshippy days before he found Jesus) disseminated a dictum which read: “let all judges and people of the town rest and all various trades be suspended on this venerable day of the sun.” Hence the name: Sunday. Get it? So maybe the ole Christian Coalition can be convinced that letting these old outdated laws expire is actually a purging of Paganism, a renouncement of Helios the Heathen (evil god of carcinoma, melanoma and glaucoma). I doubt it, though.

According to Time Magazine, Jim Beck (the current prez of the Georgia Christian Coalition—who we’ll assume abstains from spirits unless they’re Holy) argues that:

When you’re facing a budget shortfall in the billions, the extra revenue from an added day of alcohol sales is just a drop in the bucket. His opponents, however, insist it is significant. “At least it’s a drop,” says Georgia Senator Seth Harp, who introduced a bill proposing local referendums on Sunday sales. “Maybe it’s even a cup full. But right now, I’d like to have a couple of cups full than nothing at all.”

I agree…perhaps even a tumbler of Tanqueray, a couple pitchers of Mojitos and some Mango Margaritas until our cups runneth over…and then over to the taco truck for two piping hot carne asadas–muy caliente por favor!

Seriously, though, can’t we all just tie one on for St. John?