Tag Archives: chimpanzee attack

Top Ten Earmarks for Progressive Liberal Lefties

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1. 60 million dollars to re-fund Project Bluebook (UFO research) to determine which planet Republicans transported Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal from (obviously space aliens trying to approximate human empathy and folksiness).

2. 200,000 dollars to off Rush. That breaks down to: 50,000 OxyContin; 1,000 orders of Domino’s Cheesy Bread; 200 Havana cigars; 100 angry, underpaid illegal immigrant servants with a grudge; 4 infected tranny hookers; and 1 large African American male who sporadically jumps out in undisclosed dark alleys to frighten him. Any of which may lead to his most fortunate demise.

3. 300 million dollars to develop automobile prototype that runs on stem cells (Ford Fetus? Chrysler Le Zygote? GMC Blastula?). Pro-Choice=Pro-Environment.

4. 30 million bucks for Rod Blagojevich to take a powder (includes two million dollars for hairdo maintenance). Disappearing till the end of Biden’s second presidential term when he reluctantly returns, after finally blowing all the cash, to participate in the Surreal Life Season 30.

5. 100 million dollars for the September 2010 Oliver Stone Project. Tentative titles: “Walking the Dog… at Abu Ghraib,” “The Not-So-Great Pyramids,” “Saving Mohammed’s Privates“.

6. 500 million dollars allocated to begin the process of adding Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn’s faces to Mt. Rushmore. Sally Hemings’ countenance will also eventually be displayed, though only as a locket around Jefferson’s neck (might have to chisel a little bit off Washington’s shoulder, but it can work).

7. Five more million for Volcano Research…for live human sacrifices. List includes: Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz (AKA “the Evil Trinity of Death and Destruction”). In order to see if offering their blackened, barely mortal souls may actually appease the gods. Either way, it’s a win-win, just for sh*ts and giggles.

8. Five billion dollars to begin the nationalization of Whole Foods and/or Trader Joe’s. So that the impoverished child in Cincinnati has access to the freshest, organic broccoli rabe and Oatmeal Cranberry Dunkers just like the rest of us.

9. 50 million dollars to study the effects of early-childhood acting trauma on endangered chimpanzees forced to live with the elderly.

10. 15 billion dollars to disprove the existence of “God” or any other version of divine entity, which has helped to fuel hatred, genocide and war. Establishing evolution as a Law might be handy (theories don’t get the respect they used to; might as well be a lowly hypothesis we’re talking about when dealing with these backwoods crackers). Also an anti-Faith pill, so people stop “Leaping” into la-la land (see Kierkegaard).

Monkey Business: Travis the Celebrity Chimpanzee Attacks!!!


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It’s an old Hollywood cliché: failed and embittered childhood actor grows up and, no longer embraced by the establishment, acts out by driving drunk, robbing a convenience store, viciously masticating an innocent woman’s face with exceptionally large and sharp canine teeth in a fit of fury till finally brought down by the police in a hail of gunfire… um, hold on. As you might have guessed we are not talking about an all-too-human Dana Plato, Todd Bridges or Corey-of-your-choice, but a fellow member of our family Hominidae, which diverged from our species 6 million years ago. I refer of course to the tragedy of Travis the Celebrity Chimpanzee (former spokes-monkey for Old Navy and Coca-Cola), brought down in a blaze of bullets as he took his last knuckle-walking stand. Currently the latest Internet Search Engine Sensation.

What set him off? Was it Lyme Disease, Xanax-laced tea, his victim’s new haircut, the shattered dreams of not living up to his fullest potential as a celebrity primate (shilling for conglomerates and corporations instead of breaking human/chimp barriers like Washoe, who mastered American Sign Language in the 1960s, or those great ape cosmonauts from the 1950s–Ham, Enos and Minnie–who broke the sound barrier and orbited the planet, paving the deep-space road for Alan Shepard). Probably not the latter.

You see, Travis was the ripe old age of 15 years old (which is full adult maturity), however, chimpanzees are known to start becoming dangerous at the age of 5 (when it is probably best to introduce them to a sanctuary since it is quite common for them to start to exhibit aggressive behavior toward their owners at this time). And all it takes is once folks, when you’re dealing with 200 pounds of taut compact muscle and primal instinct. The average male chimp has four to five times the upper-body strength of his human counterpart, and while that might come in handy while trying to open that stubborn pickle jar, it is bound to backfire when he’s feeling a mite testy because his grooming is not up to par or the nice old lady refuses to give him a ride in the “vroom vroom”.

Yet, at the Herold Household, Travis was living the high life being fed steak, lobster and ice cream while drinking wine from stemmed glasses (I guess those commercial residuals were pretty lucrative–do quadrupeds qualify for SAG?). He was able to dress and wash himself, brush his teeth with a Water Pik and had the use of his own personal toilet. He had a computer where he surfed the Internet (monkey porn sites? National Geographic?), and had access to a remote control TV and was allegedly an expert at channel changing (Fear Factor? When Animals Attack?) Living a better life than most of his homeland’s third-world bipedal Homo sapien neighbors. One ponders what those poor fly-covered, swollen-bellied residents, waiting in desperation for the latest vaccine and rice shipments in the Heart of Darkness, might have thought about old Mr. Bushmeat living it up so hoity toity.

Perhaps this unfortunate incident will help to remind us that these animals are not playthings. They are wild creatures who, although we may try to indoctrinate them into our culture, do not ultimately possess a human capacity for logic and empathy and live by certain unrelenting instincts which we are powerless to tame. Yes chimps have 96% of our DNA but that 4% makes a vast difference. We are living on The Planet of the Humans after all.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back to reading a story about a mild-mannered Muslim TV executive brutally decapitating his wife in the centuries-old rational tradition of “honor killing.” Ah humanity!