Tag Archives: Big Three Automakers

Top Ten Earmarks for Progressive Liberal Lefties

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1. 60 million dollars to re-fund Project Bluebook (UFO research) to determine which planet Republicans transported Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal from (obviously space aliens trying to approximate human empathy and folksiness).

2. 200,000 dollars to off Rush. That breaks down to: 50,000 OxyContin; 1,000 orders of Domino’s Cheesy Bread; 200 Havana cigars; 100 angry, underpaid illegal immigrant servants with a grudge; 4 infected tranny hookers; and 1 large African American male who sporadically jumps out in undisclosed dark alleys to frighten him. Any of which may lead to his most fortunate demise.

3. 300 million dollars to develop automobile prototype that runs on stem cells (Ford Fetus? Chrysler Le Zygote? GMC Blastula?). Pro-Choice=Pro-Environment.

4. 30 million bucks for Rod Blagojevich to take a powder (includes two million dollars for hairdo maintenance). Disappearing till the end of Biden’s second presidential term when he reluctantly returns, after finally blowing all the cash, to participate in the Surreal Life Season 30.

5. 100 million dollars for the September 2010 Oliver Stone Project. Tentative titles: “Walking the Dog… at Abu Ghraib,” “The Not-So-Great Pyramids,” “Saving Mohammed’s Privates“.

6. 500 million dollars allocated to begin the process of adding Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn’s faces to Mt. Rushmore. Sally Hemings’ countenance will also eventually be displayed, though only as a locket around Jefferson’s neck (might have to chisel a little bit off Washington’s shoulder, but it can work).

7. Five more million for Volcano Research…for live human sacrifices. List includes: Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz (AKA “the Evil Trinity of Death and Destruction”). In order to see if offering their blackened, barely mortal souls may actually appease the gods. Either way, it’s a win-win, just for sh*ts and giggles.

8. Five billion dollars to begin the nationalization of Whole Foods and/or Trader Joe’s. So that the impoverished child in Cincinnati has access to the freshest, organic broccoli rabe and Oatmeal Cranberry Dunkers just like the rest of us.

9. 50 million dollars to study the effects of early-childhood acting trauma on endangered chimpanzees forced to live with the elderly.

10. 15 billion dollars to disprove the existence of “God” or any other version of divine entity, which has helped to fuel hatred, genocide and war. Establishing evolution as a Law might be handy (theories don’t get the respect they used to; might as well be a lowly hypothesis we’re talking about when dealing with these backwoods crackers). Also an anti-Faith pill, so people stop “Leaping” into la-la land (see Kierkegaard).

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Drinking Good for Depression? The Possible Repeal of Religious Repression

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There’s good news for the unemployed, hard-drinking, proletarian populace who have desperately lacked the opportunity to buy an ice-cold brew on Sunday. It looks like Blue Laws might be repealed for our very own Depression in a most unholy stimulus plan. Could this be the shot-in-the-mouth that millions of not-so-God-fearing-Americans need to get the back on their feet… stumbling and weaving to refill their snifters with some discounted muscatel from the local five and dime or bodega?

Following in the footsteps of Franklin Roosevelt, who chose to prohibit Prohibition and reintroduce spirits to, well, raise spirits in our country’s first foray into economic despair, many states are now advocating an end to what many boozers and businessmen alike deem antiquated puritanical pap. The Christian Right is not amused.

These so-called “Blue Laws,” currently enforced throughout many states in the ole Red, White and Blue, were initially created to impose certain rigid religious standards on the heathen masses. Most specifically that Sunday is the Lord’s Day of Rest and that thou shalt not swill a Makers Mark on the rocks or goeth shopping on such an exalted occasion. For the Lord apparently hateth shopping. It really geteth his goat. Annoying him to no end while he is trying to get some well deserved shuteye after a long week of ignoring the prayers of those suffering in dire poverty and desperation, and churning out Category 5 Hurricanes to smite the Gays. I mean, it’s not all conjuring up Adams out of dust in his own image, naughty no-no apple trees and satanic talkie snakes anymore, folks! He’s brutally busy. So no shopping on Sundays, please.

Especially for automobiles. That’s right, most fortunate for our bustling economy, thirteen states still adhere to the bizarre modern embellishment of forbidding the sale of cars on the Sabbath, much to the dismay of the Big 3. I am not referring, of course, to the Holy Trinity (the Father, the Son and–BOO!–the Holy Ghost) but the most unholy triumvirate of malfeasance (GM, Chrysler and Ford–Oh my!), you know, the ones with the big fancy corporate fly-flys.

Oddly enough the actual ritual of loafing about on the seventh day dates back to fourth century when Constantine (in his sun-worshippy days before he found Jesus) disseminated a dictum which read: “let all judges and people of the town rest and all various trades be suspended on this venerable day of the sun.” Hence the name: Sunday. Get it? So maybe the ole Christian Coalition can be convinced that letting these old outdated laws expire is actually a purging of Paganism, a renouncement of Helios the Heathen (evil god of carcinoma, melanoma and glaucoma). I doubt it, though.

According to Time Magazine, Jim Beck (the current prez of the Georgia Christian Coalition—who we’ll assume abstains from spirits unless they’re Holy) argues that:

When you’re facing a budget shortfall in the billions, the extra revenue from an added day of alcohol sales is just a drop in the bucket. His opponents, however, insist it is significant. “At least it’s a drop,” says Georgia Senator Seth Harp, who introduced a bill proposing local referendums on Sunday sales. “Maybe it’s even a cup full. But right now, I’d like to have a couple of cups full than nothing at all.”

I agree…perhaps even a tumbler of Tanqueray, a couple pitchers of Mojitos and some Mango Margaritas until our cups runneth over…and then over to the taco truck for two piping hot carne asadas–muy caliente por favor!

Seriously, though, can’t we all just tie one on for St. John?