Toyota Six Feet Under

Currently Featured on the Huffington Post

It’s ridiculous! First the accelerator sticks and now the brakes don’t work. Enough with the hollow apologies and hokey whoopsie-doo-baby-made-a boom-boom commercials, alright? We expect more. We didn’t collectively kill our auto industry for shoddy workmanship and unreliability. If we wanted that we could have just bought a Buick. I mean it is a Japanese company. Shouldn’t a couple of those execs be falling on their swords, literally? See that’s the problem. We need to bring back good old-fashioned Samurai ethics. I guarantee that the impending threat of hara-kiri would get ole Akio to personally double check those vroom-vroom pedals and stop-stop pads before they left the assembly line for our crumbling pot-holed highways.

Lucky this didn’t come to light five years ago or it might have sullied Six Feet Under’s stellar season finale montage (one of the greatest product placements in the history of advertising). Where instead of Claire driving her pristine Prius into a panorama of the great wide open to Sia’s Breathe Me, she’d have floored it directly into an oncoming semi-tractor trailer (due to a jammed gas pedal and ABS failure) ending in the sound of screeching metal and a death-rattling scream. Surely a subdued sewing-up and embalming of little sister Fisher’s mangled corpse by David and Rico, concluding in a tasteful yet somber service, would not have held the same place in our hearts.

And even though it hearkens back to better times, it’s probably not the best idea to bring back their old Oh What a Feeling Ad Campaign hoping for a retro-fueled resurgence. Remember: Oh What a Feeling… Toyota! However, today it would be more like: Oh What a Feeling… except in your lower extremities which are not so responsive to pinpricks since the accident… Aren’t you glad you didn’t buy American? Toyota! Certainly not as catchy.

Yup, there is nothing like a loyal demographic of consumers compelled to be fitted with Stephen-Hawking-style voice synthesizers to facilitate communication with their emotionally shattered relations and regrettably receiving all future meals intravenously to tarnish a brand name.

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