Martha Washington Redux: America’s First MILF

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Hold on to your hats folks or at least your iPod earbuds, Martha Washington was actually a babe! I just perused this late breaking story’s 250-year old update in the Science Section of the distinguished Washington Post of all places. No dowdy house frau she was evidently a hot-to-trot MILF. According to historical revisionists who have consulted special forensic anthropologists from Louisiana State University (FACES) and had them do a computerized-age-regression on a miniature watercolor-on-ivory portrait of a middle-aged Martha to figure out what she looked like at the ripe young age of 25 (when she married GW–the father of our country, not the son of the New Orleans’ Mother Theresa and Gulf War Part I’s Commander-in-Chief), she was not FUGLY in the least, but GORGEOUS, and certainly not FAT! Not yet anyway.

Oh and don’t let me forget Exhibit # 2 in the quest to purge the Ugly Bettiness out of poor Martha’s besmirched visage: her glamorous “avant-garde deep purple silk high heels studded with silver sequins that she wore on her wedding day.” What historian Patricia Brady called “the Manolo Blahniks of her time”. The Jimmy Choos of yesteryear if you will. Bringing a little Sex and the City sassiness to stodgy ole Mt. Vernon.

We also learn that in addition to reading the ole King James Jesus Tome she avidly consumed Gothic romance novels. Me-ow! It seems a little hellfire was burning in our first-First Lady’s britches after all. I guess this widow’s four Pre-Washington children were not borne out of good old-fashioned gumption and common sense but yearning loins and a fierce unbridled passion that would melt the rocks and see the seas gang dry.

No withered old maid, she also had another man-a-courtin’ before she picked Georgie Porgie, wealthy and renowned Virginia planter Charles Carter, who sordidly wrote his brother how he desired to “arouse a flame in her breast.” According to Brady “When Martha decided to marry George, she didn’t marry him just to be a kind step-father to her children. He was a hunk, and I think she decided to make herself happy.” Ha cha cha! How terribly titillating and salacious!! That tawdry tart!!!

Well I for one am terribly relieved that scientifically substantiated vindication has finally arrived proving once and for all that the mother of this great country was not a butterface and definitely not fat, at least not in her prime, according to purchase orders and clothing inventories that Brady exhaustively researched which refer “to her tiny feet, her small waist” and “her slim arms”. How disconcerting that for over two and a half-centuries we have been living in the fantasy that our most prominent forefather was not as shallow and superficial as we are in our society today. That he might have actually prized intelligence, business savvy and thriftiness over a nice rack and a plump ba-donk-a-donk.

It sure is comforting that the FACES Laboratory could take so much time out of their busy schedule of doing age progressions to help locate kidnapped children (cause let’s face it, odds are they’re not going anywhere anyway) and help debunk the myth of a non-hot Martha Washington. And who knows, with enough funding and inquiry perhaps one day we’ll even find out that Eleanor Roosevelt, Gertrude Stein, Betty Friedan, Margaret Thatcher, Madelaine Albright and yes, even Janet Reno were lookers as well.

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