F*ck You Green Tea!!!



I love coffee. Strong. Black. Little sugar. The caffeinated confidence and mind racing illumination it stimulates as I slowly sip it, most likely in a Starbucks across from another Starbucks closest to my final destination. I love the churning of my stomach and the burning in my bowels. The Bing! Bing! Bing! of when it finally kicks in and everything is ok in the universe again. Gradual descent into despair transforms into rocketing ascent into possibility, hope and what if.

PLEASE STOP TELLING ME TO DRINK GREEN TEA. I don’t care what the benefits are. Stop blathering about antioxidants or the neutralization of free radicals. Will it get me high, cleanse my colon, make my mind race and my soul soar? Stop telling me about its tantalizing aroma and smooth flavor. Fag! I want the taste of scorched earth and burnt dirt. So my face winces, stomach clenches and hand clasps the table just to get it d-down. Equivalent to one third of the caffeine in a cup of coffee. Fuck you! This isn’t a children’s game were playing here you hippy dippy organic freak. Creativity is at stake. Ideas, concepts, hypotheses, rationalizations, solutions, direct inspiration from higher divine 
meta-consciousness…possible self-actualization and transcendence…Stop narrowing the gateway! 

And remember green tea comes from China. Communist China!! You just might want to ask yourself: Are you with us or against us? They already own most of our debt. Don’t let those Commie red bastards dictate our addictions…again!!! Remember opium. Sure it seemed so wondrous and delightful, at first, but the next thing you knew you were sucking dick in an alleyway in a straw hat and flip-flops. Coffee on the other hand comes from Africa, the birthplace of civilization. Coincidence? I think not. While anthropologists credit our distinctive cerebral cortex, and prehensile thumb to the evolution and ultimate domination of mankind, I believe they are leaving out one vital ingredient. Mainly C. arabica of the genus Coffea. Thats right, somewhere on the plains of the Serengeti an Australopithicus afarensis was munching on a bean we all love and know and BAM! Revelation! Stone tools! The wheel! Cave paintings! Culture! Civilization!



3 responses to “F*ck You Green Tea!!!

  1. Pingback: My Balls or My Bong…Hold on I’m Thinking!!! « NYC Gadfly

  2. green tea has caffeine too, and can get you lifted just as much as coffee does (I find it more euphoric than coffee– don’t get me wrong though, I drink both in vast quantities). And the good shit doesn’t come from China. It comes from Japan (and Taiwan for oolong). It’s a health buzzword these days, but fuck that, I drink it because it tastes good and gets me lifted.

  3. Pingback: Monkey Business: Travis the Celebrity Chimpanzee Attacks!!! « NYC Gadfly

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