Family Values, Schmamily Values: The GOP’s Bristol/Levi Hypocrisy

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A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD. (Deut.23:2)–King James Bible

Well it seems that the latter-day Joseph and Mary trophies of the religious right-wing pro-life movement have been tarnished and their lackluster bronze has turned a gangrenous green, which is starting to show through the shoddy, flaking shiny gold paint (applied so gingerly for their RNC debutante debut). It seems poor Tripp (a quite apropos name considering his conception in itself was a stumbling gaffe) will remain a bastard after all (meant in the biblical sense only–I’m sure he’s a swell little feller).

It appears that John McCain’s hearty handshake, the Christian Radical Right’s unconditional love for the life of Bristol’s illicit gestation and GILF-y Grandma Palin’s half-cocked shotgun were not enough to let this hitching go forward without a hitch. After the campaign folded so did Levi’s schwag bags full of NHL tickets, signed WWF memorabilia, cold hard cash and whatever else it took to keep his pot-smokin’, sh*t-kickin’, rabble-rousin’, redneck mouth shut. After months of awkwardly stuffing his broad-shouldered hockey bad-boy body into formal designer duds (gratis of the Sarah’s heavily abused RNC slush fund) he can finally lose the tie, throw on a Natty-Light-stained hockey jersey, put on his trusty, well worn cup, blast Winger’s “She’s Only Seventeen” from the speakers of his shiny new red Chevy Silverado pick-up truck (the obvious ride of an unemployed high school dropout) and go raise some hell in the Land of the Midnight Sun.

It’s all not really that surprising, actually. Much like the real-life aftermaths to all the really awful reality shows that we hate ourselves for watching and obsessing over (see the Bachelor, Joe Millionaire and Flavor of Love), once the season ends all the principle players go their separate ways (only to be pointed and chuckled at in chance encounters at the local 7-Eleven or Texaco Station).

Meanwhile, Bristol is allegedly “devastated” by the loss of her baby-daddy and would-be hillbilly-heroin-in-law (Sherri Johnston–currently out of the clink). I’m sure it was quite a whirlwind romance that led to tiny Tripp’s being conceived in illegitimate, underage sin, most likely to the tune Danity Kane’s “Damaged” (after Levi talked our little Juno Lynn Spears into raiding Mommy’s old kush stash, being a good Christian and helping him keep warm… really warm… without the use of any of those silly pagan penis protectors). Yup, a good old-fashioned wholesome courtship.

To be honest, I’m still not quite sure how the fundamentalist fringe came to embrace this disgrace in the first place (I’m only passing judgment by their own standards here: Hosea 5:7, Hebrews 12:5-8). Not only did they forgive and forget just because the fetus was spared but paraded these two about in front of the entire RNC like they actually had something to be proud of. This Cult of Life which has taken a stranglehold on the Republican Party also cheered as poor little Trig was being exploited as a token, passed around from person to person for photo ops like a little special-needs hot potato (he was even held by a very reluctant Cindy McCain, who looked a mite perturbed about the possibility of an upchuck incident on her 300,000-dollar ensemble, and eventually soundly licked by his adorable older sister Piper Palin–awwww!).

What about now that the fruit of Bristol’s desecrated loins will not to be consecrated in ad hoc holy matrimony? Will they abandon her to the eternal flames of hell or find yet another way to rationalize championing her coerced commitment to carrying a misbegotten child to term in defiance of the Law of their Lord? More importantly, how do they spin this ill-fated turn of events to elect their Goddess-Head Rapture-obsessed lipstick laden Pit Bull soccer-mom idol in 2012? Is this really the party of family values? If so, where is the “family” or the “values”? What is the sound of a party imploding?

All Heil Rush!!!

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(All Rushisms have been duly bolded and put in italics)

Well, I guess we all found out who the de facto leader of the Republican Remnant was this week, as RNC Chairman Michael Steele had to polish up his cue-ball head real special, get down on his rickety half-century old knees, and kiss the ring permanently wedged onto a certain popular persona’s plump porcine, OxyContin-stained pinky. Yes indeedy, Mikey’s middle-aged self-flagellation in front of Chief Waga-Waga El Rushbo of the El Conservo Tribe was immensely gratifying to Dittoheads and Long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested, good time rock ‘n roll plastic banana FM-types alike.

Its official, folks: the Redheaded Stepchild Party is now being led by a second-semester Southeast Missouri State University dropout whose mommy dearest claims he “flunked everything,” including Modern Ballroom Dancing (especially shocking given his unique anti-svelte physique and solid ham-hock-thunder-thighed foundation). So Dumbo is now in charge of the elephants. Only his large goofy ears don’t have the ability to fly–in fact they can barely hear due to his rabid consumption of pachyderm-sized portions of the ole Hillbilly Heroin. Yee-haw!

What is it with the Right Wing and their obsession with under-educated broadcast journalists anywho? It’s not just the Chief of the Patriotism Police I speak of, but Joe Biden’s former Rapture Queen arch-nemesis Sarah Palin (who was just recently one old melanomy-heartbeat away from the Oval Office). Let’s review her intellectual credentials (since she has the political resilience of a Sith Lord and most certainly will return). A former runner-up Miss Alaska who took six years, going to five different colleges, finally graduating from the University of Idaho (not Harvard, Princeton or Yale) for a degree in communications-journalism. Now, let’s just stop at the University of Idaho for a sec, shall we? I’m sorry, we need to set standards. If you graduate from the University of Idaho you are not allowed to run for President of the United States. I don’t care if you’re the Phi Beta Kappa of Potato Research, the best and the brightest the Dust Bowl has to offer (let alone a second-rate hairdo of a sportscaster for an arctic hick affiliate in Anchorage (KTUU-TV)). ACCESS DENIED! Not to mention certain McCain aides who eventually came out and said she was not even aware that Africa was a continent. Which, if true, would be kind of ironic. You’d think she would have boned up on it, being that’s where her opponent came from (on daddy’s side most recently and mommy’s side at the origin of our species). [CLICK HERE FOR MORE]

Perhaps that’s why El Rushbo (the Doctor of Democracy) continues to pimp her out presently. Long after Chris Buckley, Peggy Noonan and David Brooks retreated with a minor modicum of their remaining self-respect and intellectual integrity (reluctantly backing Obama). Not only do the Maha Rushie and ole Barracuda share the self-same anemic academic prowess of a Twinkie, but both valiantly suffered through the Sisyphean struggles of Survey of Mass Communication 101 and mastering the avoidance of The 7 Deadly Camera Sins.

Rush, however, was ultimately blessed with a face for radio and now spends much of his time bombastically battering more objective media fare like Meet the Depressed with David Gregory and in a constant state of befuddlement and envy as to how Paul “the Forehead” Begala is able to be a regular talking head while he is forced to hide behind a microphone in a windowless studio stuffing his fat face with Pringles Potato Chips and warm Diet Cokes (apparently his dithering Dittoheads were not nearly enough to provide a rating Rusholution on the ole Nielsen Box, as his failed syndicated TV venture was mercifully put out of it’s misery in 1996).

Yet the Red-State Remainder continues to cower in front of this blathering toll troll on their Bridge to Nowhere. Recent polls have placed his public popularity ratings beneath Rev. Jeremiah Wright and William Ayers (but then Dr. Frankenstein was always less popular than his creations). Yet the Pubs continue to heed his word and hedge criticism. There is no corresponding force on the Left. We are actually allowed to critique our media for their content. We can even rag on Keith Olberman’s Easter Island head and schoolboy Edward R. Murrow crush, or make snarky remarks about Rachel Maddow’s awful pageboy haircut and ill-fitting butchy blazers, with no consequences. Perhaps even more important, our politicians can freely disagree with their unholy opinions without being forced to prostrate themselves publicly for penance. However, when a particular ideologically slanted media icon, with no relation to the voice of the majority of the people, begins to control and influence the government… that is facism. All Heil Rush???

The Sarah Palin Chronicles Part IV: Down with the Rapture C*nt!!!

I truly thought my anger indignation would begin to abate after election night but it is still red hot. The fact that Sarah Palin even exists (both politically and existentially) in unacceptable. That 64% of the Republicans see her as a possible nominee for 2012 is nauseating.

I can understand if your charmed by her Calamity Jane persona or your a one-issue fundamentalist pro-lifer that was converted by the fact that she chose not to abort her special needs fetus at the 2 week screening and carry her little short fused Trig to term (of course its easier to make that decision when you are wealthy and have a golden radiator to strap the kid to).  Man those oil dividend checks they get up in Alaska must be nice, think of all the doodads and knick knacks you can buy from that free cold hard cash which perpetuates a system with demands that are placed firmly on the backs and amputated limbs of American soldiers fighting so bravely in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Yeah! Drill Baby Drill! Even if the reserves we have wouldn’t supply our country’s consumption for a full year, would only fuel our dependency on Middle East tyrants who fly planes into our buildings, and further delay a green revolution that can potentially be the next internet boom, if we innovate the technology and become self-reliant.

OK, back to the Rapture Cunt (I can’t tell you how gratifying it is to type that over and over)…I do not accept those that defend her intellectually.  Let review.  She took 6 years, went to 5 different colleges, finally graduating from the University of Idaho (not Harvard Princeton, or Yale).  The University of fucking Idaho.  And what did she graduate from the illustrious University of Idaho for…communications-journalism. Now, let’s just stop at the University of Idaho for a sec shall we. I’m sorry we need to set standards. If you graduate from the University of Idaho you are not allowed to run for President of the United States.  I don’t care if you’re the Phi Beta Kappa of Potato Research.  The best and the brightest the Dust Bowl has to offer (let alone a second-rate hairdo of a sportscaster for an arctic hick affiliate in Anchorage (KTUU-TV)).  ACCESS DENIED! Not to mention certain McCain aides who eventually came out and said she was not even aware that Africa was a continent (SEE VIDEO BELOW). Which, if true, would be kind of ironic. You’d think she would have boned up on it, being that’s where her opponent came from (on daddy’s side most recently and mommy’s side at the origin of our species).

To be fair these assertions have been challenged. Even many of my close friends incredulously asked if I really believed that it was possible that McCain would pick someone that didn’t know that Africa was a continent?  Hmmm… putting his elaborate one-day vetting process aside, lets look at this objectively one more time… Is it possible that a former runner up Miss Alaska who took 6 years, and five separate colleges to finally get a four-year degree from the University of Idaho for being an effing Sports Video Highlights DJ for the Land of the Midnight Sun’s Evening News version of WKRP in Cinncinati  might not know that Africa is a continent??? Es possible!!!  Let’s also not forget that she believes human beings and dinosaurs were hanging out by the tar pits 5,000 years ago like Land of the Lost. It wouldn’t surprise me if she started advocating for Sleestak rights. Good ole Chaka Six-Pack or perhaps Joe the Paku. “You betcha Holly! We’re gonna fix those pylons, heal up that time rift and getcha back home safe and sound, no fallin’ down the waterfall for eternity when the good Lord’s will comes a knockin’…and don’t forget to vote for me and Enik in 2012!”” [OK THAT WAS FOR THE GEEKS]

Crying Like a Big Pussy in the Back of a Cab on Election Night…

What a night. I cried and cried on the cab ride home from my show over at the comedy club last night after hearing the news. Muttering over and over to myself in disbelief and utter gratitude “thank God, thank God, thank God …that rapture cunt will not have her fundamentalist finger anywhere near the red button!”…Oh and Obama will be the 44^th President of the United States too.  I love this fucking country!!!

The collective energy was incredible.  People were beating bongo drums, dancing in the streets, bursting into tears, making out, showing their tits, bellowing at the top of their lungs “Obammmaaaa!!!”  Its like the entire country won the World Series…and we were the Cubs.  In NYC I feel the intensive unity I experienced on 9/11, except instead reverberating from death and mourning, it radiates from joy, hope and celebration.  We did it. We applied the brakes and prevented the complete decimation of our great nation. 

For weeks all I had to do was see a picture of John McCain and I would grow furious.  Alone in my apartment I would scream at the computer screen “How dare you! How dare you put our country in such danger? You son of a bitch asshole!!!”  His blatant political pandering, by choosing Sarah Palin to unify the right wing fundamentalist base to do his bidding (they are to the Republican get out the vote movement what Muslims who blow themselves to smithereens in the name of Allah are to Al-Qaeda.), scared me to the core of my being.  That he was willing to put forward an extremist Third Wave movement disciple, ex-beauty contest runner up and graduate from the University of Idaho (6 years in the making after attending 4 other colleges previously) for broadcast journalism (a fucking radio DJ!!!) for political expediency was unthinkable to me and I still do not forgive him…and will never forgive him no matter how gracious his concession speech was.  He further cheapened the political process by virtually completing what many have called the American Idolization of politics.  Like in his personal life with the estrangement from his first wife (who had suffered a horrendous car crash while he was residing in the Hanoi Hilton but none the less waited faithfully for his return) he abandoned what was true for a trophy (from Cindy McRich Bitch to Sarah Palin). In what would have been the ultimate transformation of Washington into Hollywood, he angled for the tits and ass demographic.  He thought titties and ass would get him green lit into the White House.  Beyond cynicism or savvy this was both dangerous and disrespectful to the country he had faithfully served.  Both he and his operatives are guilty for overestimating just how dumb or oblivious the majority of the American populous was and hopefully will pay for it in the years to come.  I hope he awakens every morning to the bitter aftertaste of his compromised ideals and betrayal.

It’s a new world.  The next generation is at the helm and the country is growing into the great nation we have always claimed to be.  There is a story circulating on the Internet about an Obama canvasser who came to the door and asked a woman who she was voting for in this election, only before the lady could respond her Redneck husband yelled from next room “We’re voting for the Nig*er !!!”  Oddly enough I think this is evidence that our country is evolving, even the po dunk slugs that don’t believe in evolution.  Racists are re-evaluating their value systems and making choices that go against their previously held dispositions.  It’s incredible.

I myself canvassed in Germantown PA with my lovely girlfriend of 9 years and saw Obama speak at a rally.  It was magical not so much cause of his speech but because of the multitudes and the energy, the hope and the unity, the love and shared vision of a better future.  There are images I will never forget. A little black girl on a white man’s shoulders so she could get a better glimpse of her new role model (see photo above) and most spectacularly about 5 or 6 kids who had climbed up in a tree to see him from their very own urban fairy tale perch.  I met some incredible people.  One very old black veteran who unlocked his thick glass paned door so we could hear about his experience in the original Great Depression waiting in the bread lines.  He told us that “back then business men were jumping out of windows to take their lives…not today though…today they have golden parachutes!”

I believe that in times of desperation human beings are capable of truly great or horrendous actions and that on this November 4, 2008 our country chose to blossom rather than decay, to celebrate life and hope rather than remain quagmired in death and fear, to courageously look forward to a new future instead of frantically grasping a fading outgrown past. 

And now I’ll say it…for the first time in my adult life I am proud to be an American…just don’t tell Sean Hannity.

John McCain, Sarah Palin and the American Idolization of Politics.

Enjoy.  I will have to retire all of it after November 4th.