The Sarah Palin Chronicles Part III: Rapture In Alaska

Forget lipstick, pigs, Bridges to Nowhere (there is actually more than one and she still supports the other), impregnated high school progeny, the non-aborted special need token being passed around at the RNC like a little Down Syndrome football. Forget the Bush Doctrine, the charging of rape victims for their rape kits, belief that such victims if they conceive should be forced to birth their assaulter’s genetic burden even if the author of the DNA is dear old Dad. Forget family values, abstinence only education, the slashing of funding for teenage mothers who are not her darling little Bristol Lynn Spears (I’m sure she is still getting her allowance, as is studly hockey jock Levi to keep his dick in his pants and his mouth shut). Forget the spectacular informative view of Mother Russia from the “Land of the Midnight Sun”, the sassy refusal to be duped by silly science’s theory of evolution or global warming (“Hello! Its like cold up here!!!”), an inadvertent homage to Hitler’s library management system, the refusal to speak to the press untutored (Charlie Gibson) or while being graded on a hairpin right leaning curve (Sean Hannity). Forget all that.

Now think fire, brimstone, End of Days. Feel the ecstatic experience of the Godhead in your merely mortal corporeal casing as you watch the congregations around you convulsively laughing, spasming, rolling in the aisles, shrieking like holy banshees. Hallelujah! Think “Spiritual Warfare”, “Jesus Camp”, “Joel’s Army”, a supernaturally endowed Christian elite serving under the authority of Prophets and Apostles and anointed by the Lord, blessed be He, to rise up and battle Satan in the wake of the Apocalypse.

Now think Red Button, nuclear codes, John McCain’s unreleased health records, his four known bouts with the big C (rhymes with schmancer). Think of cute little Mrs. Palin Perkims crinkling her petite pert little nosy, “not blinking”, in the oval office, gazing at a map of the world on her left with her perfectly dainty painted manicured fingernails caressing a worn bible on the right, an ever so slightly vacant look in her eyes.

Hey, you wanna scare the shit out of yourself some more? Go to YouTube and type in “Sarah Palin Assembly of God” and watch both parts of the video of her speech at the Wasilla Assembly of God “Masters Commission” graduation ceremony (held this June 8^th, 2008 as part of the multi-church event “One Lord Sunday”) that comes up. Make sure not to deprive yourself of the second part where they pray over our little Juneau Junebug, casually making reference to the not to distant Rapture and how Wasilla needs to be prepared to Shepard the other 49 states Survivors (that’s us folks!) and give them refuge (not a bad place to be with all that hellfire flying about—like a holy air-conditioned sanctuary) all while Head Pastor Ed Kalnins is laying his hands upon her and she is just beaming magnanimously, nodding her head like she is listening to Cat Steven’s “Moon Shadow”.

How nice of her to come back and show her support, in the year of our most important election, for the “Masters Commission” graduates and to use state travel funds to take her there. For those not in the know, the “Master’s Commission” is part of 3-year post-high school international training program for the church. Topics covered include prophecy, intercessory prayer, Biblical exegesis, authority and leadership. One of there main missions is to evangelize non-believers (luckily there is an enormous population of indigenous heathens to feast upon up there). They are deeply involved in what is known as Spiritual Warfare or the Third Wave Movement (featured in the sleeper documentary hit “Jesus Camp”—Netflix it!) which follows the belief that all Christians will re-align under the Fivefold Ministry of Prophets and Apostles and others approved by the Big Bad Kahuna in the sky, while the youth will form “Joel’s Army” to rise up and combat the wicked. Oh and they have superpowers too. Amen.

The Third Wave AKA the New Apostolic Reformation is a network of Apostles, many of which are affiliated with C. Peter Wagner who founded the World Prayer Center. If you plan on enlisting in the Battle against Beelzebub you might want to check out what is known as the “Pentagon for Spiritual Warfare” in scenic Colorado Springs .It features high tech computer systems that efficiently map out unsaved peoples’ groups from around the world and store the data for the Final Conflict. If, however, you are one of the unrepentant, you probably want to carefully watch your spam folder. You don’t want to get on these holy rollers’ shit list!

Sarah Palin attended the Wasilla Assembly of God church from the age of 10 up until 2002 (she was re-baptized there at 12). That’s 2 and a half decades for those of you who believe in math. It was not uncommon to hear sermons about possession of geographical territories by demonic spirits, intergenerational transmission of family curses and the war against witchcraft. In the aforementioned video she fondly recalls Pastor Thomas Mutthee praying over her, chanting, “Make a way. Make a way” for her bid for governor of the state. Muthee is credited in certain evangelical circles with driving “the spirit of witchcraft” out of Kiambu, Kenya. Isn’t it fun to fantasize how a true believer of “territorial demonic possession” might deal with our adversaries in Russia or Iraq if God is on their side. Hmmm…what’s a good old-fashioned purge for all-consuming evil? Fire of course! I wonder how beautiful the reflection of a mushroom cloud in her trendy glasses would be, viewed over the Bering Strait, flawlessly framed by the Alaskan twilight while standing hand-in-hand with the first Dude.

Ponder that while you’re in the booth.

SEE WASILLA ASSEMBLY OF GOD VIDEOS PART I AND II BELOW:

REV. MUTHEE PRAYS OVER HER AND AGAINST WITCHCRAFT…YES WITCHCRAFT!:

Make sure to wait till the creepy end.